１０月２９日に日本に一時帰国します。今回の帰国は東京お茶の水で開催される個展にあわせての帰国です。
前回の帰国は３ヶ月前に祖母のお葬式だった。 祖母は享年９９歳で、長年私の両親の家から３時間ほど離れた老人ホームにはいっていた。私は帰国ごとに訪ねたが、それでも祖母と会えるのは１年に２．３回だった。祖母が９０歳になったとき、働いている母が『おばあちゃんが１００歳まで長寿を全うした、として、１ヶ月１回頑張って会いにいっても、あと１２０回しか会えないんだ』ぼんやりと、でもショックをうけたようにいっていたのを今でも覚えている。
はじめて祖母の老人ホームを訪ねた時の事を今でも良く覚えている。ちいさなお部屋にベッド。長年祖母が生きてた人生と経験に反比例しているんじゃないかとおもうような。祖母の人生が荷物にまとまってその小さな空間におさめられていた。その時の気持ちは７月のよく晴れた日に祖母のお骨を火葬場で拾った時、パリパリっと骨がたてる小さい音を聞いた時の衝撃に、似ていている気がする。明治最後の年に生まれ、明治、大正、昭和、平成と４つの世を生きた祖母が現世で最後に立てる音。
母は祖母が９０歳をこしてから、がんばって会いにいっていた。会いに行けない時は、葉書をかいた。会いに行くときは昔、祖母が子どもの頃、歌ったであろう、童謡の本をもっていき、歌がすきな祖母と歌った。小さい字が読めなくなり始めると、母は歌詞を大きくマーカーでノートに書き、もっていった。祖母の耳が本当に悪くなる前は『良い耳』に母は歌いかけた。祖母の好きな童謡はいくつかあったが、お気に入りの１つは北原白秋の『この道』だった。母が祖母の『良い耳』に歌いかけると祖母は歌詞を見ずに歌い始めた。
- この道はいつか来た道
- ああ そうだよ
- あかしやの花が咲いてる
- あの丘はいつか見た丘
- ああ そうだよ
- ほら 白い時計台だよ
- この道はいつか来た道
- ああ そうだよ
- お母さまと馬車で行ったよ
- あの雲もいつか見た雲
- ああ そうだよ
- 山査子の枝も垂れてる
私にとって祖母を含め、『家族』とは常に日本にいる存在だった。日本にいけばあえる。日本に帰っても、もう祖母にあえないのがさみしい。
祖母の『良い耳』に歌いかける母。
I am going back to Japan for my solo exhibition about Jacques Cabaret in Tokyo next week. I am very excited to go!
Last time I went home was to attend my grandmother’s funeral. She was 99 years old. She had lived at senior home center far from my parent’s house for many years. Although I went to see her every time I went back to Japan, it was only a few times a year that I got to see her in recent years. When my grandmother turned 90 years old, I remember that my mother as a busy working woman, saying, “ If she (grandmother) lives to 100 years old, and I go see every month, I still would ONLY see her 120 times….”
I remember when I first visited my grandmother at her senior home for the 1st time very well. It was a tiny room with bed. I felt like it was like inverse proportion with her life, All her years and experience was packed in the small space along with all of her belongings. The same sentiment was reminded that when we were picking her bones up at crematory on sunny July morning after funeral. It was the small noise of her bones “crack, crack”,. And that was the last sound she made in “this” world.
After my grandmother turned 90 years old, my mother did her best to go see her. When she could’nt go see her, she wrote her post card. My mother usually brought her old Japanese children song book, ones that grandmother must have sung when she was a little girl. My grandmother liked to sing. Before her ears went completely deaf, my mother would sing a song to her “good ear”, and they would continue singing. When my grandmother could no longer read not-so-large letters on the song book, my mother wrote down many song’s lyrics in really big letter with thick pen on her notebook. She had many favorites. One of them is called “This Old Road” by Japanese poet Hakushuu Kitahara.
I know this old road ,
Ah, sweet is the memory
See acacia flower there
I know that old hill , I’ve seen it on this journey
Ah, sweet is the memory
See the white clock tower
I know this old road,,I’ve seen it there before me
Ah, sweet is the memory
A wooden carriage we’d ride with Mother
I know that cloud there I’ve seen the sky before me
Ah, sweet is the memory
May trees in summer hang down
(Picture above is my mother talking to my grandmother’s “good ear”)
For me, family was always was, is and will be there in Japan.. On this trip back to Japan, I will miss my grandmother.