７月１２日（ボストン時間）の夜に母から電話があり おばあちゃんが亡くなったとの連絡を受けた。おばあちゃんは明治の最後の年にうまれて、数えで１００歳、一般的には９９歳だった。この１０年くらい、おばあちゃんは母の実家の側の老人ホームにはいっていた。その老人ホームはおばあちゃんの生家にも近く、おばあちゃんが昔かよっていた小学校の裏手にあった。足が悪くて、移動は車いすだったが、肉体的にはすこぶる健康で、年齢にともなう衰え以外は悪いところはなかったのだが、６月に９９歳の誕生日のあと風邪をこじらせ入院していた。
おばあちゃんはここ数年、老衰にともなう記憶の錯誤、喪失がはげしくなり、わたしや母が会いにいってもにこにこしていたがもうわからなくなっていた。おばあちゃんは『今」にいきていた。話した事、したことほとんどが、おばあちゃんの頭にとどまる事ができなかったのだ。はじめのうちは母とふたりでいくと、母がベッド際にかがみ込み、おばあちゃんの“良い耳”に向かって大きな声で話かけた。そのうち、耳の遠くなったおばあちゃんに母は”おばあちゃんノート”をつくり、それに大きな字で文をかき筆談をはじめた。私をさして『恵子です。大きくなって今アメリカからおばあちゃんに会いにきました。」とかくと、おばあちゃんがしわくちゃに笑顔をつくって、それはそれは、とばかりにありがたそうに私に笑いかける。そして私が「恵子です。おばあちゃんに会いにきました。おばあちゃん、だいすき！」とかくと満面に笑顔をひろげ、両手でほっぺたをおさえて嬉しそうにしてくれる。そして１０秒後にはまた同じ事が繰り返されていく：母はさきほどかいていた『恵子です。。。。』という文を指差すと、おばあちゃんが文を目でおい、私を見上げて笑いかける。私が「おばあちゃんに会いにきました。おばあちゃん、だいすき！」という部分をさすと、おばあちゃんは同じように笑顔でほっぺをおさえて嬉しそうにする。永遠にでも繰り返されるサイクル。おばあちゃんには『今』しか存在していなかった。ちょっと不思議にも感じた。そういうことを叔父はまさに実存主義だといった。
私は母が一度、『なにもおばあちゃんがおぼえていなからって「おばあちゃん、大好き」ばかり１０秒ごとにくりかさなくてもいいんじゃない』、といわれたことがある。でも私が思うに、おばあちゃんにとって一回一回ごとがまるで初めてのように、新鮮でうれしいんだ、と思う。だから私は１００回でも１０００回でもおばあちゃんに伝えたかった。だっておばあちゃんには未来にも過去も存在せず、”今”だけで生きていた。１００回伝えれば、１００回分、１０００回伝えれば１０００回分うれしいんだ。
つづく
I recieved a phone call from my mother on the night of July 12 (Boston time) about my grandmother's passing. She was born in the last year of Meiji era (1912). In old Japanese counting which my grandmother always used, she was 100 years old, in our counting she was 99 years old. For about last 10 years she had been staying at a nursing home near her home, closer to her birth home, and behind her elementary school where she attended long time ago. Besides her aging, she was quite healthy: she did not have any illness. She had bad kees, that keps her on wheelchair during transit,and kept her bed for sometime. Right after her 99th birthday in June, she caught a little cold, that led to lung infection. She was trandported to hospital where she left us on July 11th.
For last several years, despite her physical well being, my grandmother's mind has started to wonder off. She could not keep her present memory no more than 10 seconds. When my mother and I visited her, she smiled at us. Towards the latter years, I don't think she fully grasped who we were, nor she really cared, rather welcoming friendly visitors. When we visited, my mother kelt down her bedside and talked loudly to her "good ear". When her "good ear" began to give in, my mother created "gradnmother's notebook" and wrote on it to communicate with her. When we went together, my mother would pointed at me and wrote "this is Keiko, she came to see you from America". She would read it and look up at me and smile. Then I would write "this is Keiko, I love you very much". My grandmother read it and she would hold her cheeks with both hands and broke her smile on to her wrinkled face. After about 20 seconds, we repeated the the same thing: my mother pointed at me and pointed at her notebook "this is Keiko, she came to see you from America". She would read it and look up at me and smile. Then I would write "this is Keiko, I love you very much". My grandmother read it and she would hold her cheeks with both hands and broke her smile on to her wrinkled face. We could keep going at this routine for ever. There were no past nor future in my gramdmother. She only lived in "Now". It was weird feeling to watch my grandmother living only in "NOW". We all say that we live for the moment and live now etc... kind of things. But nobody can. And here was this 90-something old Japanese woman ( my grandmother) living only "Now". My uncle told my mother the way how my grandmother is extentialism in its pure sense.
My mother once asked me why I kept telling her the same thing "I love her" It seemed at that time that was only thing I wrote on her "grandmother's notebook". My mother said " I understand that she cannot remember it, but you don't have to tell her " I love you" every 20 seconds." I told my mother that I did this because if I told her " I love her" 100 times, because she could re live the fresh joy of knowing someone love her 100 times ever losing its momentum. If I told her that 1000 time, she csould experience the joy 1000 time. Everytime she heard it, it was always the first time that she learned that I loved her. That was why I wanted to tell her that 100 timeas 1000 times... that I love her.
to be continue
Part of "grandmother's notebook"/おばあちゃんノートの一部